Brammer agrees, saying, if he and the celebrating couple were not close, “I would discreetly decline and only offer context if asked.” If pressed for information, Morgan says, she would offer gentle honesty about her safety concerns; couples know that not every invitee can attend, whether it’s due to an issue with scheduling, budget, or various personal reasons one might have.
If you RSVP “yes,” seek safe spaces at the destination
Should you decide to attend, do your research and identify places where you might stay or dine where you will feel safe. The same goes for any potential wedding guest—whether as a queer person, a person of color, a woman, whatever the case may be.
“You can choose to find your own accommodations in a more welcoming part of town, even if it’s not directly associated with the wedding venue,” says Matthieu Jost, the co-founder and CEO of misterb&b, a homesharing platform aimed towards queer people. “You can still support your loved ones during their special day while ensuring your own well-being.”
As a guest, it’s appropriate to ask the couple for their suggestions for queer-friendly spaces at the destination. They’re likely the ones who know the place best, and they (hopefully) want their guests to feel safe, too. Kristen Arnett, a book author and life-long Floridian who recently wrote an essay for Time about why she’s having her queer wedding in Florida, says she and her fiancée are being very purposeful about their wedding planning, given their own queerness, the queerness of their guests, and their love for Orlando’s queer community.
In addition to hiring only queer people and queer-owned businesses for the wedding—from the caterer to the photographer to the DJ—Arnett and her fiancée are proactively giving their guests recommendations for restaurants, shops, and lodging to try for their wedding weekend. “We feel like brand ambassadors for queer Florida,” Arnett says. “We’re always trying to curate an experience for people to come here anyway. It’s a big part of our wedding planning, asking ourselves, ‘What are the spaces that our guests would want to visit, or where they can feel good about coming to Florida?’”
Similarly, Jost suggests looking into the local queer businesses at the destination, and giving them the support they might need—just as they might be able to support you. Furthermore, engaging with a destination in this way as a visitor can possibly increase your understanding about the lived realities of a community under a particular political or social climate.
How I went from craving anonymity for my differences to finding a voice for my queerness.
If you RSVP “no,” express your love another way
If you’re pressed for more information as to why you can’t attend, Jost advises expressing your gratitude for the invitation with grace. “Explain that your concern lies with how you feel visiting the destination itself, emphasizing that it is not a reflection on the couple or their wedding.”
After you RSVP, show your care and support in other ways. You were invited for a reason and, if you feel moved to do so, it doesn’t hurt to take an extra step and do something nice for the couple. “A card, some flowers, or an item from their wishlist would go a long way here,” Brammer says. “We live in wild times, regardless of your identity, and there are complications galore when it comes to travel and events. I like to think we can all be understanding with each other.”
As in all things, act with grace and compassion
Whatever you decide, your attendance as a guest has no material impact on the occasion: Two people are getting married whether you make it or not. They have their reasons for having their wedding in a particular place, and you have your reasons for being unable to go. Savage advises her clients as much. “My mantra for couples? The only thing that matters, at the end of the day, is that you get married. Everything else is details.”